its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
