Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
