I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
