so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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