I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
