I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
