Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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