I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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