I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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