You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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