dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
