Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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