you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
