The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize