cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
