I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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