his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
