1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
