You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
