Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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