if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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