if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
