How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
