a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
