Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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