Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
