Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
