Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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