May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am one with the molecules
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