Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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