how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry about my life...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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