Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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