Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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