you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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