You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
