my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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