You really coming over, don't trick.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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