I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
