Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
