Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
