how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
