Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
