If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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