I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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