i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
