i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
