Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
