Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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