I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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