I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
