Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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