I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
