there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize