They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
