he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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