Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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