we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
