You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
