Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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