Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
