so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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