u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
